Once upon a time in a land relatively close to here, there lived a crooked candy cane.
And this is one of those personification things where inanimate objects can talk. This was a talking crooked candy cane. Scary … but necessary for the legend.
So this candy cane was all bent out of shape. Physically AND attitudinally (yes, that’s a real word).
He wasn’t just bent at the top either like a regular cane. He was crooked, like… all over the freakin place. Top, middle, bottom … just a bunch of crookedness. He even had crooked teeth.
Plus he was an actual crook. He stole other candy canes. Which would amount to candy kidnapping/trafficking of sorts.
It was just a bad situation all the way around, let’s put it that way.
And to make matters worse … he wasn’t even the right colors. He was one of the green ones that nobody likes!
Plus he was small. Plagued with “Little Cane’s” syndrome, he was constantly in candy-therapy which he couldn’t even afford because he sucked at trafficking candy. He couldn’t even get doing wrong right.
In short …
He was an angry, lonely, discolored, little crooked candy cane.
So one day CCC (Crooked Candy Cane) was just stalking around town looking for some regular candy canes to steal, and lo and behold … he saw the biggest, most elegant, perfectly shaped, red/white striped candy cane of the land.
This candy cane was so amazing that CCC just went right up to him and licked him.
Other Amazing Candy Cane: dude wtf, are you serious? Did you just lick me?
CCC: Sorry. You just looked delicious
Other Amazing Candy Cane: That’s gross. I don’t cross breed with greenies. Don’t ever do that again or I’ll put you in a bowl and leave you there till next Christmas and let a relative who I don’t like eat you stale. Weirdo.
So of course Crooked Cane got pissed and pulled out his gat (gun) and kidnapped him just like he did all the other ones.
But something strange happened.
Normally when CCC stole a candy cane, the kidnapped canes would curse at him and be mean and try to escape and all that. It would hurt his feelings, but then he would just think, “this is why I do this. Other candy canes are mean. They deserve it.”
But this time the Other Amazing Candy Cane acted much differently. He went along silently and didn’t curse at him (candy cane curses are the worst btw). He wasn’t mean, and he didn’t try to escape. He just went along for the ride with a smile on his face and struck up a conversation …
OACC: So … you’re a Candy Kidnapper. How’s that working out for you?
CCC: Oh pretty good. I can’t figure out how to sell any of you since we’re in a recession, but it’s pretty cool to have a big room full of you as decorations.
OACC: Interesting. Sorry I snapped at you earlier. I was licked by a stranger as a little cane and it was a knee jerk reaction. It had nothing to do with you. Will you forgive me?
CCC: Why should you care if I forgive you? I’m stealing you. Aren’t you mad?
OACC: No. You’re probably just hurting inside, and God has some grand plan in all this. So I forgive you for stealing me. Actually … I love you. I think you’re a pretty cool candy cane. I wish I had your colors. Red and white isn’t even in my freaking color wheel.
CCC: Are you serious? I’ve always hated my colors. But now you’re making me like myself.
OACC: I wish I had all your bends too. It sucks being perfectly amazingly good looking. People just like me superficially, and lick me all the time. Plus it makes it hard for me to be humble. You should be thankful.
CCC: Marry me.
OACC: I can’t we’re both boys.
CCC: Times are changing.
OACC: Well this cane ain’t changing. You shouldn’t either.
CCC: Ok I won’t. Why is it that you’re so good and everyone else is so evil?
OACC: Because I have Jesus.
CCC: Ok I want Jesus too.
OACC: K. Just say “Jesus, I’m sorry for kidnapping candy canes. Please forgive me. I won’t do it anymore.”
CCC: “Jesus, I’m sorry for kidnapping candy canes. Please forgive me. I won’t do it anymore.”
OACC: Boom. I’ll cya in Candy Heaven.
CCC: Just one more lick.
Then the crooked candy cane let the other normal candy cane go free.
When he got home, he looked in the mirror. And strangely enough …. he didn’t look quite as bent as he had before.
Moral to the story: Love mean people. God loves you, and you’re an idiot (we all are). The least you can do is return the favor. It will make the mean people less mean.
Who do you hate right now, and what could you do to go out of your way and love them? I kicked my cat the other day so I’m gonna go say I’m sorry later and roll up a catnip joint for him and his homies. You? Post below.
And list all the presents you bought people this Christmas. Whoever bought the most presents wins a free digital home study course of mine.